A woman can be as sensual as she is spiritual, as erotic as she is intellectual and as climatic as she is emotional.
Female Sexuality
A more accurate understanding of female sexuality must be collectively pursued in order to see significant positive change in Muslim marriages.
Meredith Chivers is one of the few women studying human sexuality. Traditionally a male-dominated field, a lot of the research tends to focus on male subjects instead of women, she said. "I think that developing a critical mass of women in the field has changed what we know about female sexuality. Chivers said from the 'Arousing questions about female sexuality' article Click here to read the full article.
A more accurate understanding of female sexuality must be collectively pursued in order to see significant positive change in Muslim marriages.
Meredith Chivers is one of the few women studying human sexuality. Traditionally a male-dominated field, a lot of the research tends to focus on male subjects instead of women, she said. "I think that developing a critical mass of women in the field has changed what we know about female sexuality. Chivers said from the 'Arousing questions about female sexuality' article Click here to read the full article.
"A woman's capacity for sexual enjoyment is greater than a man's by 99 parts except Allah has made modesty so overbearing in women." - Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him)
Related by Aṭ-Ṭabarānī, as-Suyūṭī and al-Bayhaqī, in Shu ͑ab al-īmān
Refutation of Falsehood: Busting Myths About Female Sexuality by Zainab bint Younus Source: SalafiFeminist
When one sees Muslim leaders attempt to take on serious and relevant issues to the Muslim Ummah such as sexually dysfunctional marital relationships, one truly hopes for the best. Alas, well-meaning though they may be, there becomes glaringly obvious a lack of knowledge and understanding regarding female sexuality.
A few claims that are being made and circulated en masse (and dangerously so) are the following:
· Muslim women (especially from ‘conservative, practicing families’) do not really experience sexual arousal or any feelings of intense sexuality before marriage.
· Women’s fitrah is such that they are automatically less sexual than men.
· Muslim women are intimidated and scared by even discussions about sex prior to marriage; if a Muslim man wants to discuss it with his fiancée, he shouldn’t lest she run in the opposite direction.
· Women don’t ‘need’ to orgasm as much as men do; their sexual feelings are minimal and what they truly seek from sexual encounters is not necessary physical pleasure, but emotional connection.
Not only are all these claims inaccurate, but to perpetuate them on a massive public forum – and by an individual with significant influence over large numbers of Muslims – is extremely dangerous due to the fact that the Muslim community already suffers from a horrific lack of knowledge and awareness about sex and female sexuality.
Despite the fact that Islamic texts fully recognize women’s sexual needs and in fact protects them as a religious right, many male Muslim leaders perpetuate cultural stereotypes about the nature of female sexuality and falsely pass them off as Islamic guidance. Such ridiculous ideas include the belief that women have a lesser need and appreciation for the physical aspect of intimacy; that they do not experience intense sexual arousal prior to marriage; and that the very idea of sex is disturbing and unnatural to them, or that they are unable to comprehend the true nature of intercourse before marriage.
In all fairness, even Western cultures and scientific thought has long held faulty and inaccurate beliefs regarding female sexuality (most famously, the views of Sigmund Freud and the Victorian phenomenon of ‘hysteria’). However, it is also true that Western society has moved along with considerable speed with regards to knowledge of female sexuality than many Eastern (and Muslim) cultures have. It must still be kept in mind, though, that the amount of studies and research collected on female sexuality is dwarfed by those about men, and that there remains a great deal to be discovered about female sexuality in general.[1]
Going back to the claims being publicly taught, there is first of all a severely erroneous conflation between the reality of culturally ingrained attitudes about sex, and the actual innate physical desires and needs that women have for sex.
While it is absolutely true that many Muslim cultures teach women unhealthy negative attitudes about sex and equate female sexual desire with being dirty or impure, this in no way actually reflects the physiological need for sex that exists in the female gender as a whole.
No matter how much cultural brainwashing women receive regarding their sexuality, most women will still inevitably experience feelings of sexual arousal at some point in their lives – and for those who do, it will generally first happenbefore marriage.
Furthermore, the arousal a woman feels can and does reach strong levels of intensity, including orgasm; for example, in a wet dream. This was acknowledged even by RasulAllah (sallAllahu ‘alayhi wa sallam), who confirmed Umm Sulaym’s question regarding female wet dreams.[2]
Even outside of wet dreams and masturbation however, women can and do feel intense sexual stimulation – anything from wearing a new pair of jeans or sitting on a massage chair. This is not to be crude, but simply realistic.[3] [4]
Nor are such experiences purely involuntary; many women are curious about their bodies and are actively aware of what stimulates them both physically and mentally (after all, the brain is the most powerful sex organ). Sexual curiosity exists in women just as it exists in men; since many girls mature physically and mentally faster than boys, they can be ahead of the game when it comes to being curious about sex.
Whether it’s reading romance novels (and anyone who thinks that girls read romance novels just for the emotional fluff is fooling themselves) or magazines like Cosmopolitan, girls crave information about both the romantic and the explicitly sexual.
Communication about sexual issues is another matter, one tied much more strongly to the aforementioned cultural brainwashing about intimacy than the idea that women have an inherent and instinctive fear or aversion to sex. Advising Muslim men to ‘just pray Istikhaarah, ya akhee’ instead of respectfully discussing or asking questions related to sex with their fiancées is harmful and, quite frankly, insulting to both the man and the woman. We should not be perpetuating attitudes of embarrassment, shame, and stigma about sexual issues but rather, encouraging men and women to approach the topic with respect, dignity, and honesty. It may be uncomfortable at first or awkward, but then, all positive growth and change is by necessity.
It is necessary to say here that a great deal of work needs to be done in training Muslim men and women on how to discuss matters related to sex and marriage in a respectful, dignified, and mature manner.
There is one final issue – the idea that women are innately ‘less sexual’ than men. While there is no denying the biological differences between men and women, including sexually, there is a big difference between recognizing the difference, and claiming that women simply aren’t as sexual.[5] More accurate would be to state that what men and women find sexually appealing and arousing, how they react to such stimuli, and the levels at which they respond to such urges differ greatly – but do not take away from the inherent sexuality of women.
It is also a fallacy to say that the sole or primary benefit or reason that women engage in sex is for an emotional connection; rather, while some women do enjoy sex more because of the emotional connection, it is not a necessary component of their actual satisfaction or orgasm. In fact, the vagina – specifically the clitoris – has thousands more nerve endings than the penis, which means that its orgasm can be correspondingly much, much more intense than the male orgasm, and contradicts the belief of those men who are convinced that women don’t really ‘feel it.’[6] [7] (Not to mention that women are capable of different types of orgasm[8] [9] [10] [11] [12]and multiple orgasms.[13])
It is worth noting that, once sexually aroused, women have a much stronger need to orgasm than men do. If they are stimulated and left unsatisfied, it causes extreme emotional upset (and significant physical discomfort). Should this become a recurring pattern, where husbands reach climax but make no effort to ensure their wives’ satisfaction, women often end up angry and resistant to being sexually available.
Psychological Haleh Banani mentions as well that women who are emotionally unsatisfied in their marriages yet are sexually fulfilled have higher rates of remaining within that marriage than the other way around. If that doesn’t underscore the point well enough, I don’t know what will.
The claim that women have fewer or less intense desires, or a somehow less important need for orgasm, is in fact an unhealthy way of minimizing female sexuality and its priority in a relationship. This takes place both amongst Muslims and non-Muslims and is a sign of how misogyny permeates our attitudes such that we automatically do not consider women to be of equal footing even in bed (and God help any woman who shows any sign of initiating sexual interest or contact!).
While the argument may go on to rage over who is ‘more’ sexual (keeping in mind that new studies continue to emerge on the topic, with sometimes paradoxical results), there is no benefit to be gained from pushing the view that women are simply less sexual beings.
In fact, it does the opposite, by telling men that they do not have to consider their wives’ sexual needs to be as important or necessary (the caveat that ‘a woman’s right to sexual satisfaction is guaranteed in Islam’ does nothing to change the final message). It is also implying to women that they should give up hope of true sexual satisfaction because it’s unrealistic and biologically unnecessary for them to experience it (but hey, all women really want are snuggles and warm fuzzy cuddles, right?).
It is high time that we begin to provide qualified individuals in the Muslim community who can discuss sex – and especially female sexuality – from a more nuanced and accurate perspective. Otherwise, Muslim leaders who take it upon themselves to talk about the subject are simply contributing to the already terrible state of Muslim intimacy, and the continued struggles of Muslim women seeking satisfaction and fulfillment in their own marriages.
What truly needs to be encouraged, emphasized, and taught is the importance of men and women alike to improve communication with their spouses about matters of intimacy. From there, it should become much easier for husbands and wives to become comfortable with their own and each others’ bodies; and for husbands to understand the various factors affecting women that may be significantly responsible for obstacles to sexual fulfillment. Just as men have their own unique preferences, levels of libido, and so on, so too are the tastes and desires of women varied and vast.
To truly seek an improvement to the sex lives of married Muslims, the first step should not be to make sweeping generalizations of female sexuality that are based on androcentric perspectives. Rather, it must be recognized that championing outdated ideas causes a great deal of harm to both men and women. A more nuanced and accurate understanding of female sexuality must be collectively pursued in order to see significant positive change in Muslim marriages.
[1] http://queensjournal.ca/story/2009-02-09/features/arousing-questions-about-female-sexuality/
[2] Umm Salama (Allah be pleased with her) relates that Umm Sulaym (Allah be pleased with her) came to the Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him & give him peace) and said, “O Messenger of Allah, Surely, Allah is not shy of the truth. Is it necessary for a woman to take a ritual bath after she has a wet dream?” The Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him & give him peace) replied: “Yes, if she notices a discharge.” Umm Salama covered her face and asked, “O Messenger of Allah! Does a woman have a discharge?” He replied: “Yes, let your right hand be in dust [an Arabic expression said light-heartedly to someone whose statement you contradict], how does the son resemble his mother?” (Sahih al-Bukhari 130)
[3] http://www.soc.ucsb.edu/sexinfo/article/sexual-response-cycle
[4] http://www.menshealth.com/sex-women/girl-boners
[5] http://www.theatlantic.com/sexes/archive/2013/06/turns-out-women-have-really-really-strong-sex-drives-can-men-handle-it/276598/
[6] http://www.valleyadvocate.com/2012/05/26/clit-chat-14-clitoral-factoids-to-know/
[7] http://www.science20.com/science_amp_supermodels/would_female_orgasms_kill_men
[8] http://www.independent.co.uk/news/science/women-do-experience-two-different-types-of-orgasm-study-reveals-9191884.html
[9] http://blogs.discovermagazine.com/seriouslyscience/2014/03/12/really-two-kinds-female-orgasm-science-weighs/#.VPYF33zF84c
[10] https://monicasbox.wordpress.com/2012/07/15/11-different-types-of-orgasms/
[11] http://www.womenshealthmag.com/sex-and-relationships/types-of-female-orgasm
[12] http://www.buzzfeed.com/alisoncaporimo/different-types-of-orgasms
[13] http://www.everydayhealth.com/sexual-health/how-common-are-multiple-orgasms.aspx
When one sees Muslim leaders attempt to take on serious and relevant issues to the Muslim Ummah such as sexually dysfunctional marital relationships, one truly hopes for the best. Alas, well-meaning though they may be, there becomes glaringly obvious a lack of knowledge and understanding regarding female sexuality.
A few claims that are being made and circulated en masse (and dangerously so) are the following:
· Muslim women (especially from ‘conservative, practicing families’) do not really experience sexual arousal or any feelings of intense sexuality before marriage.
· Women’s fitrah is such that they are automatically less sexual than men.
· Muslim women are intimidated and scared by even discussions about sex prior to marriage; if a Muslim man wants to discuss it with his fiancée, he shouldn’t lest she run in the opposite direction.
· Women don’t ‘need’ to orgasm as much as men do; their sexual feelings are minimal and what they truly seek from sexual encounters is not necessary physical pleasure, but emotional connection.
Not only are all these claims inaccurate, but to perpetuate them on a massive public forum – and by an individual with significant influence over large numbers of Muslims – is extremely dangerous due to the fact that the Muslim community already suffers from a horrific lack of knowledge and awareness about sex and female sexuality.
Despite the fact that Islamic texts fully recognize women’s sexual needs and in fact protects them as a religious right, many male Muslim leaders perpetuate cultural stereotypes about the nature of female sexuality and falsely pass them off as Islamic guidance. Such ridiculous ideas include the belief that women have a lesser need and appreciation for the physical aspect of intimacy; that they do not experience intense sexual arousal prior to marriage; and that the very idea of sex is disturbing and unnatural to them, or that they are unable to comprehend the true nature of intercourse before marriage.
In all fairness, even Western cultures and scientific thought has long held faulty and inaccurate beliefs regarding female sexuality (most famously, the views of Sigmund Freud and the Victorian phenomenon of ‘hysteria’). However, it is also true that Western society has moved along with considerable speed with regards to knowledge of female sexuality than many Eastern (and Muslim) cultures have. It must still be kept in mind, though, that the amount of studies and research collected on female sexuality is dwarfed by those about men, and that there remains a great deal to be discovered about female sexuality in general.[1]
Going back to the claims being publicly taught, there is first of all a severely erroneous conflation between the reality of culturally ingrained attitudes about sex, and the actual innate physical desires and needs that women have for sex.
While it is absolutely true that many Muslim cultures teach women unhealthy negative attitudes about sex and equate female sexual desire with being dirty or impure, this in no way actually reflects the physiological need for sex that exists in the female gender as a whole.
No matter how much cultural brainwashing women receive regarding their sexuality, most women will still inevitably experience feelings of sexual arousal at some point in their lives – and for those who do, it will generally first happenbefore marriage.
Furthermore, the arousal a woman feels can and does reach strong levels of intensity, including orgasm; for example, in a wet dream. This was acknowledged even by RasulAllah (sallAllahu ‘alayhi wa sallam), who confirmed Umm Sulaym’s question regarding female wet dreams.[2]
Even outside of wet dreams and masturbation however, women can and do feel intense sexual stimulation – anything from wearing a new pair of jeans or sitting on a massage chair. This is not to be crude, but simply realistic.[3] [4]
Nor are such experiences purely involuntary; many women are curious about their bodies and are actively aware of what stimulates them both physically and mentally (after all, the brain is the most powerful sex organ). Sexual curiosity exists in women just as it exists in men; since many girls mature physically and mentally faster than boys, they can be ahead of the game when it comes to being curious about sex.
Whether it’s reading romance novels (and anyone who thinks that girls read romance novels just for the emotional fluff is fooling themselves) or magazines like Cosmopolitan, girls crave information about both the romantic and the explicitly sexual.
Communication about sexual issues is another matter, one tied much more strongly to the aforementioned cultural brainwashing about intimacy than the idea that women have an inherent and instinctive fear or aversion to sex. Advising Muslim men to ‘just pray Istikhaarah, ya akhee’ instead of respectfully discussing or asking questions related to sex with their fiancées is harmful and, quite frankly, insulting to both the man and the woman. We should not be perpetuating attitudes of embarrassment, shame, and stigma about sexual issues but rather, encouraging men and women to approach the topic with respect, dignity, and honesty. It may be uncomfortable at first or awkward, but then, all positive growth and change is by necessity.
It is necessary to say here that a great deal of work needs to be done in training Muslim men and women on how to discuss matters related to sex and marriage in a respectful, dignified, and mature manner.
There is one final issue – the idea that women are innately ‘less sexual’ than men. While there is no denying the biological differences between men and women, including sexually, there is a big difference between recognizing the difference, and claiming that women simply aren’t as sexual.[5] More accurate would be to state that what men and women find sexually appealing and arousing, how they react to such stimuli, and the levels at which they respond to such urges differ greatly – but do not take away from the inherent sexuality of women.
It is also a fallacy to say that the sole or primary benefit or reason that women engage in sex is for an emotional connection; rather, while some women do enjoy sex more because of the emotional connection, it is not a necessary component of their actual satisfaction or orgasm. In fact, the vagina – specifically the clitoris – has thousands more nerve endings than the penis, which means that its orgasm can be correspondingly much, much more intense than the male orgasm, and contradicts the belief of those men who are convinced that women don’t really ‘feel it.’[6] [7] (Not to mention that women are capable of different types of orgasm[8] [9] [10] [11] [12]and multiple orgasms.[13])
It is worth noting that, once sexually aroused, women have a much stronger need to orgasm than men do. If they are stimulated and left unsatisfied, it causes extreme emotional upset (and significant physical discomfort). Should this become a recurring pattern, where husbands reach climax but make no effort to ensure their wives’ satisfaction, women often end up angry and resistant to being sexually available.
Psychological Haleh Banani mentions as well that women who are emotionally unsatisfied in their marriages yet are sexually fulfilled have higher rates of remaining within that marriage than the other way around. If that doesn’t underscore the point well enough, I don’t know what will.
The claim that women have fewer or less intense desires, or a somehow less important need for orgasm, is in fact an unhealthy way of minimizing female sexuality and its priority in a relationship. This takes place both amongst Muslims and non-Muslims and is a sign of how misogyny permeates our attitudes such that we automatically do not consider women to be of equal footing even in bed (and God help any woman who shows any sign of initiating sexual interest or contact!).
While the argument may go on to rage over who is ‘more’ sexual (keeping in mind that new studies continue to emerge on the topic, with sometimes paradoxical results), there is no benefit to be gained from pushing the view that women are simply less sexual beings.
In fact, it does the opposite, by telling men that they do not have to consider their wives’ sexual needs to be as important or necessary (the caveat that ‘a woman’s right to sexual satisfaction is guaranteed in Islam’ does nothing to change the final message). It is also implying to women that they should give up hope of true sexual satisfaction because it’s unrealistic and biologically unnecessary for them to experience it (but hey, all women really want are snuggles and warm fuzzy cuddles, right?).
It is high time that we begin to provide qualified individuals in the Muslim community who can discuss sex – and especially female sexuality – from a more nuanced and accurate perspective. Otherwise, Muslim leaders who take it upon themselves to talk about the subject are simply contributing to the already terrible state of Muslim intimacy, and the continued struggles of Muslim women seeking satisfaction and fulfillment in their own marriages.
What truly needs to be encouraged, emphasized, and taught is the importance of men and women alike to improve communication with their spouses about matters of intimacy. From there, it should become much easier for husbands and wives to become comfortable with their own and each others’ bodies; and for husbands to understand the various factors affecting women that may be significantly responsible for obstacles to sexual fulfillment. Just as men have their own unique preferences, levels of libido, and so on, so too are the tastes and desires of women varied and vast.
To truly seek an improvement to the sex lives of married Muslims, the first step should not be to make sweeping generalizations of female sexuality that are based on androcentric perspectives. Rather, it must be recognized that championing outdated ideas causes a great deal of harm to both men and women. A more nuanced and accurate understanding of female sexuality must be collectively pursued in order to see significant positive change in Muslim marriages.
[1] http://queensjournal.ca/story/2009-02-09/features/arousing-questions-about-female-sexuality/
[2] Umm Salama (Allah be pleased with her) relates that Umm Sulaym (Allah be pleased with her) came to the Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him & give him peace) and said, “O Messenger of Allah, Surely, Allah is not shy of the truth. Is it necessary for a woman to take a ritual bath after she has a wet dream?” The Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him & give him peace) replied: “Yes, if she notices a discharge.” Umm Salama covered her face and asked, “O Messenger of Allah! Does a woman have a discharge?” He replied: “Yes, let your right hand be in dust [an Arabic expression said light-heartedly to someone whose statement you contradict], how does the son resemble his mother?” (Sahih al-Bukhari 130)
[3] http://www.soc.ucsb.edu/sexinfo/article/sexual-response-cycle
[4] http://www.menshealth.com/sex-women/girl-boners
[5] http://www.theatlantic.com/sexes/archive/2013/06/turns-out-women-have-really-really-strong-sex-drives-can-men-handle-it/276598/
[6] http://www.valleyadvocate.com/2012/05/26/clit-chat-14-clitoral-factoids-to-know/
[7] http://www.science20.com/science_amp_supermodels/would_female_orgasms_kill_men
[8] http://www.independent.co.uk/news/science/women-do-experience-two-different-types-of-orgasm-study-reveals-9191884.html
[9] http://blogs.discovermagazine.com/seriouslyscience/2014/03/12/really-two-kinds-female-orgasm-science-weighs/#.VPYF33zF84c
[10] https://monicasbox.wordpress.com/2012/07/15/11-different-types-of-orgasms/
[11] http://www.womenshealthmag.com/sex-and-relationships/types-of-female-orgasm
[12] http://www.buzzfeed.com/alisoncaporimo/different-types-of-orgasms
[13] http://www.everydayhealth.com/sexual-health/how-common-are-multiple-orgasms.aspx
What Female Lust Means To Me: 6 Artists From Different Cultures Discuss Sexuality'
Sexuality is incredibly diverse, it’s incredibly subjective, it’s beautiful.'
Sheila Nortley, who lives in the UK but whose family is originally from Ghana, produced a short film inspired by a 10th-century poem which told of a woman’s rejection of various suitors, despite their class and financial status.
The beauty of it, Nortley told The Huffington Post UK, is that the female subject had the power and authority to choose for herself.
What does female lust mean to you?
“Female lust is quite controversial particularly when it’s to do with women from an Arab background or from the Muslim community,” she said.
“It is another word for female sexuality - and that, to me, is simply a part of being a human being and a part of human nature. It’s something that is not necessarily to be rejected or denied.
“For me, as a Muslim, there’s a context in which it is to be celebrated and a context in which it’s to be fully expressed.”
She added that in a world where Donald Trump is President, it is more important than ever that “we are free and comfortable to express ourselves”.
Click here to read the full article
Sexuality is incredibly diverse, it’s incredibly subjective, it’s beautiful.'
Sheila Nortley, who lives in the UK but whose family is originally from Ghana, produced a short film inspired by a 10th-century poem which told of a woman’s rejection of various suitors, despite their class and financial status.
The beauty of it, Nortley told The Huffington Post UK, is that the female subject had the power and authority to choose for herself.
What does female lust mean to you?
“Female lust is quite controversial particularly when it’s to do with women from an Arab background or from the Muslim community,” she said.
“It is another word for female sexuality - and that, to me, is simply a part of being a human being and a part of human nature. It’s something that is not necessarily to be rejected or denied.
“For me, as a Muslim, there’s a context in which it is to be celebrated and a context in which it’s to be fully expressed.”
She added that in a world where Donald Trump is President, it is more important than ever that “we are free and comfortable to express ourselves”.
Click here to read the full article
A Wife's Right to Sexual Intimacy
In the name of Allah, Most Compassionate, Most Merciful,
The right to sexual fulfilment belongs to both the husband and wife, and it is wrong to assume that in Islam only the husband has this privilege. The wife has as much right to expect that her sexual needs are fulfilled as the husband. As such, sexual relations are a right of both spouses.
The renowned Hanafi jurist (faqih) Imam Ibn Abidin (Allah have mercy on him) states, 'Among the effects of marriage is the permissibility of each spouse deriving sexual pleasure from the other.' (Radd al-Muhtar ala 'l-Durr al-Mukhtar 3/4)
A husband is religiously obliged to fulfil the sexual needs of his wife and not deprive her of this right. Refusing sex without a genuine reason or excuse and using it as a weapon against her constitutes a sin in the eyes of God (i.e. in the next life). Many jurists (fuqaha) hold that it is obligatory for the husband to engage in sexual intimacy with his wife every so often. (See: Bada'i al-Sana'i 2/331)
Sayyiduna Abdullah ibn Amr (Allah be pleased with him) relates, 'My father married me off to a woman of good lineage, and he used to consult his daughter-in-law (i.e. my wife) and ask her about her husband. She would say to him, 'An excellent man, [but] a man who has not slept with us in bed nor removed the veil from us since we came to him!' When that went on for a long time, my father mentioned it to the Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him & give him peace). The Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him & give him peace) said, 'Send him to me.' So I went to meet him soon after, and he said, '...Have I not been informed that you fast all day and pray all night?' I said, 'Yes, O Messenger of Allah.' He said, 'Do not do it. Fast [some days] and do not fast [other days], and pray and sleep, because your body has a right over you, your eye has a right over you, your wife has a right over you, and your visitor has a right over you…..' (Combined from two variations of the same Hadith in Sahih al-Bukhari no: 4765 and 1874)
In this Hadith, the Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him & give him peace) advised Abdullah ibn Amr ibn al-Ass (Allah be pleased with him) to be moderate in his worship, and upon learning that he had not slept with his wife, the Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him & give him peace) said to him, 'Your wife has a right over you,' clearly defining the husband's responsibility of fulfilling the sexual and other needs of the wife.
Abu Juhayfa relates, 'The Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him & give him peace) joined Salman and Abu al-Darda' (Allah be pleased with both) together in brotherhood. Salman visited Abu al-Darda' and saw [his wife] Umm al- Darda' poorly dressed and thus said to her, 'What is the matter with you?' She said, 'Your brother Abu al-Darda' has no need of this world [meaning he did not care whether his wife adorned herself for him or not since he was very busy in worshiping Allah].' Abu al-Darda' came and made some food for him [i.e. Salman]. Salman said, 'Eat.' He replied, 'I am fasting.' Salman said, 'I will not eat unless you eat.' So he ate. In the night, Abu al-Darda' went to stand in prayer and Salman said to him, 'Sleep!' and so he slept. Then he got up again and Salman said, 'Sleep!' When it was the latter part of the night, Salman said, 'Now get up, and they both prayed together.' Salman then said to him, 'Your Lord has a right over you, your self has a right over you and your wife has a right over you, so give each rightful person their due right.' Abu al-Darda' came to the Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him & give him peace) and mentioned this to him and the Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him & give him peace) said, 'Salman spoke the truth.' (Sahih al-Bukhari 1867)
As such, a husband is religiously obliged to have sexual relations with his wife every so often - enough to maintain her outward and inward chastity such that she does not incline towards committing a sin. If a man consistently refuses his wife, he will be sinful in the sight of Allah.
However, as with the case of the husband's right to sexual intimacy, this obligation is conditional on his physical ability to have sex with his wife. If he is too ill or weak to engage in any sexual activity or fears that having sex with his wife will result in unbearable weakness, then he will not be sinful.
All of the above is at the level of law. The spirit of marriage is different. Seeking one's rights through demands and argumentation contradicts the spirit of marriage, and never solves anything. Rights should always be understood in light of the following Prophetic guidance:
'The most perfect of believers are those most perfect in character; and the best amongst you are the best of you to your spouses.' (Sunan al-Tirmidhi 1162)
(For more details on this, you may refer to my book, 'Islamic Guide to Sexual Relations' available from most Islamic book retailers).
And Allah knows best
[Mufti] Muhammad ibn Adam
Darul Iftaa
Leicester , UK
Source
In the name of Allah, Most Compassionate, Most Merciful,
The right to sexual fulfilment belongs to both the husband and wife, and it is wrong to assume that in Islam only the husband has this privilege. The wife has as much right to expect that her sexual needs are fulfilled as the husband. As such, sexual relations are a right of both spouses.
The renowned Hanafi jurist (faqih) Imam Ibn Abidin (Allah have mercy on him) states, 'Among the effects of marriage is the permissibility of each spouse deriving sexual pleasure from the other.' (Radd al-Muhtar ala 'l-Durr al-Mukhtar 3/4)
A husband is religiously obliged to fulfil the sexual needs of his wife and not deprive her of this right. Refusing sex without a genuine reason or excuse and using it as a weapon against her constitutes a sin in the eyes of God (i.e. in the next life). Many jurists (fuqaha) hold that it is obligatory for the husband to engage in sexual intimacy with his wife every so often. (See: Bada'i al-Sana'i 2/331)
Sayyiduna Abdullah ibn Amr (Allah be pleased with him) relates, 'My father married me off to a woman of good lineage, and he used to consult his daughter-in-law (i.e. my wife) and ask her about her husband. She would say to him, 'An excellent man, [but] a man who has not slept with us in bed nor removed the veil from us since we came to him!' When that went on for a long time, my father mentioned it to the Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him & give him peace). The Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him & give him peace) said, 'Send him to me.' So I went to meet him soon after, and he said, '...Have I not been informed that you fast all day and pray all night?' I said, 'Yes, O Messenger of Allah.' He said, 'Do not do it. Fast [some days] and do not fast [other days], and pray and sleep, because your body has a right over you, your eye has a right over you, your wife has a right over you, and your visitor has a right over you…..' (Combined from two variations of the same Hadith in Sahih al-Bukhari no: 4765 and 1874)
In this Hadith, the Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him & give him peace) advised Abdullah ibn Amr ibn al-Ass (Allah be pleased with him) to be moderate in his worship, and upon learning that he had not slept with his wife, the Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him & give him peace) said to him, 'Your wife has a right over you,' clearly defining the husband's responsibility of fulfilling the sexual and other needs of the wife.
Abu Juhayfa relates, 'The Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him & give him peace) joined Salman and Abu al-Darda' (Allah be pleased with both) together in brotherhood. Salman visited Abu al-Darda' and saw [his wife] Umm al- Darda' poorly dressed and thus said to her, 'What is the matter with you?' She said, 'Your brother Abu al-Darda' has no need of this world [meaning he did not care whether his wife adorned herself for him or not since he was very busy in worshiping Allah].' Abu al-Darda' came and made some food for him [i.e. Salman]. Salman said, 'Eat.' He replied, 'I am fasting.' Salman said, 'I will not eat unless you eat.' So he ate. In the night, Abu al-Darda' went to stand in prayer and Salman said to him, 'Sleep!' and so he slept. Then he got up again and Salman said, 'Sleep!' When it was the latter part of the night, Salman said, 'Now get up, and they both prayed together.' Salman then said to him, 'Your Lord has a right over you, your self has a right over you and your wife has a right over you, so give each rightful person their due right.' Abu al-Darda' came to the Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him & give him peace) and mentioned this to him and the Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him & give him peace) said, 'Salman spoke the truth.' (Sahih al-Bukhari 1867)
As such, a husband is religiously obliged to have sexual relations with his wife every so often - enough to maintain her outward and inward chastity such that she does not incline towards committing a sin. If a man consistently refuses his wife, he will be sinful in the sight of Allah.
However, as with the case of the husband's right to sexual intimacy, this obligation is conditional on his physical ability to have sex with his wife. If he is too ill or weak to engage in any sexual activity or fears that having sex with his wife will result in unbearable weakness, then he will not be sinful.
All of the above is at the level of law. The spirit of marriage is different. Seeking one's rights through demands and argumentation contradicts the spirit of marriage, and never solves anything. Rights should always be understood in light of the following Prophetic guidance:
'The most perfect of believers are those most perfect in character; and the best amongst you are the best of you to your spouses.' (Sunan al-Tirmidhi 1162)
(For more details on this, you may refer to my book, 'Islamic Guide to Sexual Relations' available from most Islamic book retailers).
And Allah knows best
[Mufti] Muhammad ibn Adam
Darul Iftaa
Leicester , UK
Source
How to Score BIG with Women: a Psychological and Islamic approach for Men
Every man dreams of having a woman who can please him on many different levels. One that fulfills his desires, stimulates him intellectually and soars with him to new spiritual heights. A unique woman that will not only be a source of comfort, but also a source of strength. It is very easy to dream and have expectations of your spouse but what do YOU have to do in order to attract a woman with these qualities and keep her giving at that level?
Generally, men are quite puzzled by women. They are not sure what to do or say to please the women in their lives. Whatever they do seems to get them in trouble. Since most men have this confusion, they simply stop trying. This lack of effort from men creates frustration and discontentment. Most women feel extremely dissatisfied in their marriage. Within my practice as a marriage therapist, I have heard from dozens of women who have a long list of complaints about their husbands. These complaints lead to deep rooted unhappiness and many times divorce.
Top 5 complaints of women about their husbands:
Here are some suggestions in showing compassion so that you can connect with your wife on an emotional level.
Source: MuslimMatters
Every man dreams of having a woman who can please him on many different levels. One that fulfills his desires, stimulates him intellectually and soars with him to new spiritual heights. A unique woman that will not only be a source of comfort, but also a source of strength. It is very easy to dream and have expectations of your spouse but what do YOU have to do in order to attract a woman with these qualities and keep her giving at that level?
Generally, men are quite puzzled by women. They are not sure what to do or say to please the women in their lives. Whatever they do seems to get them in trouble. Since most men have this confusion, they simply stop trying. This lack of effort from men creates frustration and discontentment. Most women feel extremely dissatisfied in their marriage. Within my practice as a marriage therapist, I have heard from dozens of women who have a long list of complaints about their husbands. These complaints lead to deep rooted unhappiness and many times divorce.
Top 5 complaints of women about their husbands:
- Communication
- Financial issues
- Sex
- Lack of compassion
- Too strict/too jealous
- Make I statements…. never start the sentence with YOU. Say: “I feel neglected when you don't prepare dinner” rather than saying, “You never prepare dinner.”
- Always keep your voice down and refrain from name calling.
- Seek first to understand then to be understood. Tough one, but very effective!
- Share your thoughts and feelings with your spouse to make her feel a part of your world. Don't shut her out or else she will feel extremely insecure and suspicious.
- Don't give one word answers – try to elaborate and fulfill her need to know. She shows you she cares by asking many questions.
- Listen attentively – that means no checking emails while she talks and no watching T.V.
Simply look in her eyes, listen and acknowledge her. Women loved to be looked at! - Give your wife compliments on everything you like about her – she needs constant reassurance on her beauty, on your love for her, on her cooking. Say it again and again with a smile. It will never get old!
- Validate her feelings – say things to make her feel understood. Tell her you understand that she is sad, that she has a right to feel hurt or neglected. The worst thing you could ever do is tell a woman she is wrong to feel a certain way.
- Ask for things with gentleness and kindness without being harsh or demanding. If a woman feels like she is being told what to do and how to do it – she will resist. If she is asked kindly and made to feel special she will rush to do it to in order to fulfill her need to please others.
- Never compare her to Anyone to get her to change. This is detrimental to the relationship, brings about hostility and a feeling of inadequacy. If you want her to improve in any given area compliment what she is already doing right.
- Learn about each other's view of money. Become acquainted with their experience with money in order to better understand each other.
- Discuss openly issues or concerns you have about your financial situations.
- Avoid getting into debt at all cost. If you can't afford it – just don't buy it. Simple as that.
- Set a budget together and try your best to stick to it. If you slip, and go over the budget, quickly get back on track.
- Increase your knowledge about resolving financial problems by reading books, attending seminars or listening to CDs.
- Be honest and never hide or deceive your partner about financial issues because it could really damage the trust.
- Try to compromise and come up with a win/win solution when you disagree.
- Agree to disagree.
- Consider the pros and cons of having a two house income or even having a part time job that can help alleviate the financial burden.
- Save….Save….Save! You never know what the future holds so always be prepared.
- Fulfill your wife emotionally so that she can be receptive to you. Women shut off sexually if they don't feel loved, appreciated or desired.
- Set the mood…light candles, make dinner, give a massage, get flowers or anything that makes her feel special and loved.
- Prolong foreplay. Make sure she is ready.
- Take your time and don't rush her.
- Share your likes and dislikes in a gentle, positive way making her feel safe. Instead of saying you never do such and such say: I loved it when you…..or I would love it if you would….
- Never criticize or make fun when getting intimate.
- Always accentuate the positive – make your suggestions in a way that you are making a good thing even better. Even if you are dissatisfied don't let her feel it.
- When receiving your partner's request, try not to see it as criticism. Have the attitude of a professional chef that is not insulted if a customer doesn't crave a particular meal, but makes accommodations that will satisfy the customer's palate.
- Make her feel attractive and desired. The more you give her compliments, the more confident she will feel which will help her to relax and enjoy.
- Make sure you try to fulfill her first in order to create a strong, positive association to intimacy.
Here are some suggestions in showing compassion so that you can connect with your wife on an emotional level.
- Tell your wife you love her daily – don't make it just a once a year event.
- Never enter or leave the house without a proper greeting. Let her feel that you are happy to see her and that you will miss her when you leave.
- Make daily deposits in your emotional bank account with your wife by being understanding, forgiving, cooperative and by using words of endearment.
- Call your wife or send sweet messages during the day. “…And live with them in kindness…” (Nisaa 4:19)
- Eat at least one meal a day together and spend time sharing what you have done.
- Give lots of compliments.
- If she is feeling sad or angry, show her love and compassion by hugging her. If she says she doesn't want to talk about it, she doesn't mean it… you just have to insist sweetly.
- Learn to apologize. Even if you were not wrong apologize for making her feel bad. Win her heart not the argument! Amazing what two little words (I'm sorry) can do.
- Get her gifts and flowers so she feels that you thought of her. It doesn't have to be something expensive – just a gesture that you were thinking of her. And do good. Truly, Allah loves the good-doers (Baqara 2:195)
- Be supportive and helpful with the kids. Offer to take care of the kids while she does something (anything) for herself. If she has the chance to recharge she will be a much better wife and a nicer mom!
- Be a spouse to your wife not a father. Don't treat her like a little girl with a long list of rules. If you treat her like a child she will act like one.
- Give her space to make decisions – if you hold her too tight she will feel suffocated.
- Respect her and treat her like a partner not an employee.
- Trust her – don't interrogate her for every little thing. Gently ask questions.
- Be reasonable in setting boundaries – if you are too strict she will either resent you or not abide by them when you are not around.
- Don't assume anything – check your assumptions and verify before accusing her of anything.
- Be kind and understanding so that your wife will happily try to please you. Don't be a harsh dictator that needs to be overthrown.
- If she dresses or acts inappropriately just talk to her, educate her and help her to understand. Make her feel that you are concerned about her. Never be forceful.
- Try to make excuses when she falls short.
- Be playful with your spouse if you feel some jealousy. Make her feel how much you are attracted to her, how appealing she is to you that you simply don't want to share her. This will flatter her and make it more likely that she will be more careful.
Source: MuslimMatters